another letter from julia: the guilt

I always feel terrible to share my personal emails with everyone else. But this one is so good and since my friend agreed to it, I assume it's okay. HAHAHA. I have posted a couple of Julia's email and it always fascinates to receive one from her. So this is her latest.

de: Julia
à: @ohtxela []
date: 1 septembre 2011
objet: the guilt

Hey Alex! Man, I'm not going to start writing this email with bunch of lame greetings like HOW ARE YOU? Because I'm pretty sure you are well. HAHAHA. I'm kidding. How are you, my friend? Are you well? If you're going to ask the same question, I shall say I'm doing quite okay.

First of all, I want to apologize for shutting down for months. I know I shouldn't have done that, but at that time, I cannot think of any better ways to be myself around people who know me and him. I was depressed. I blamed no one but myself. I cannot even tell you that everything was his fault because I didn't think it was and I still don't. I must take the blame and oh, Alex if you only knew how it felt to have such guilt.

You know what's worse? I feel like everyone is on his side, include you, Alex! I feel like I'm so all alone in this. I feel like I'm going to a battle without any alliances, while he has every support which (strangely) he deserves. Maybe this also means I'm not a good friend to many people. I mean, we haven't talked for a very long time and I hardly asked how you are.

I'm one selfish bitch, I know. 

This old friend of mine who recently learned about me being single asked me out about a month ago. He was a really gentleman, but I couldn't do that. I know it's been 6 months, but I don't think I can just go out on a date and give another man another hope that it might go somewhere. That guilt haunts me. I wish I could explain to you the last day I saw him 6 months ago. It's heartbreaking, Alex. I never saw a man cried so hard in my life, but I just felt that I'm dragging him down, that this relationship was not meant to be.

I hope you understand why I chose to ignore your friend the other day. He's extremely attractive, but I'm just in a stage of life where I need to figure out who I am, what I really want in life. But I must also admit that I have fear, fear of being lonely. I don't think I mind being alone, but loneliness, I don't think I can bear it. 

I'm so glad to have your friendship. I think being friend with you and some other true friends gives me strength and hope that I could be friend with this guilt.

Oh God, enough about me! How are you? Are you going back to that french school? Please do, I need someone to practice my french with. Est-ce que tu peux venir ici pour un jour ou deux? 

Please reply as soon as you can. I have to run some errands now. 

Missing you like a mad woman!


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